Regarding Clinton and Monica Lewinsky

[some are variations on the same theme]


Another source of humor on this subject: http://www.geocities.com/~comradeivan/liners.html

See also: http://www.mtv.com/mtv/tubescan/animation/vbill/vbill.html


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Live oval office CAM! Image is updated every 10 seconds.


The last four US Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. 

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain." "DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, not saying a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

"Where's Dorothy?"


Q: Why is President Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez?

A: Because last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was impeached.


Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss):

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me"


Lose one for the zipper:
Vote Republican!

(Bumper Snicker see on a pickup on I-405 December 20, 1999)


If Monica took up IPSC, would her instructor want her to do Bill Drills?

From Jim Boemler.

(IPSC stands for International Practical Shooting Confederation.  A "Bill Drill" is a type of shooting exercise -- usually.)


Did you hear she's going to be the new Head Mistress at a local girl's school?

From Jim Boemler.


The following phrase: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Submitted by: Tina Lloyd @ juno.com


Seen on a bumper: "Save the President: Legalize Perjury!"


One More Whore And We Get Gore


HONK! If you had sex with the President


Kennedy = Camelot Clinton = Lie-a-lot


Clinton: We forgive you . . . Now Resign!


Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency


Adultery is not a family value


Does character matter YET?


America needs a President Not a Predator


Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat


My President Slept with Your Honor Student


Jail to the Chief


Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President


The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility


If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.


They [Clinton's "good job rating" poll results] would probably be higher if he had made a video.

Amanda Matlosz
12/21/98


Names for the scandal: ForniGate, InternGate, SexGate, TailGate, ZipperGate.


All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other scandals he's been accused of participating in. Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- the "Bill-gates". No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft is being accused of.. um... Oh never mind.


AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face."

"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on."

"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.  No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it."

"Thank you."

Monica Lewinsky


As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the  stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"


Clinton was walking around the Whitehouse with a pair of ladies panties on his arm. Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he was doing. After about an hour one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with the pair of ladies panties on his arm.

Clinton replied, "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit."


The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia announced today that the President has proven that you CAN get sex from aides.


Name for Clinton supporters: The Oral Majority.


Rumor has it that Clinton will admit to having sex with her once, but then claim he did not climax and did not enjoy it.


A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?" Clinton responded by saying. "No she was on her knees."


I don't understand the big deal, I mean, she knew it was an "entry position" when she hired on didn't she?


Modern diplomats approach every problem with an open mouth.
Arthur J. Goldberg

The heart seldom feels what the mouth expresses.
Jean Galoert de Campistron

Into the mouths of babes...
William J. Clinton


A philandering pres named Bill,
Was married to a lawyer named "Hill",
He played on the side,
And repeatedly lied,
'Cuz his female intern said "I will."


There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

-Bill Ward-


Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want clues like Kaczynski,
You look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

-Martha Thorrens-


Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than bombs in a letter
Given the choice to be blown.

-David Dieckmann-


There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
On Kenneth Starr's lap
She confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky"*.

(*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be
confused with the ballet dancer.)

-Deb Robertson & Dan Pacenti-


From: Jerry Burnett
Sent: Friday, April 03, 1998 1:41 PM

Lewinski limericks?
What drivel.
Such a great amount of sniggering effort spent on deriding someone who is unable to defend herself.
Rather than subject the girl to all of this insult, we should just burn her at the stake.

It would be kinder.
And more honest.
And less disgusting

---
Jerry The (NOT amused!) Geek


The Return of Dr. Suess!

Mr Starr:
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-ski?
Did you grope her in the house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?

Mr Clinton:
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join--even for fun,
The mile high club in Air Force One.
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are.

Mr Starr:
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
when called upon to testify?

Mr. Clinton:
That is it, you've gone too far!
I do not like you Starr you are!
I will not answer anymore!
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!

President Clinton's Testimony by Dr. Suess

I did not do it in a Car
I did not do it in a Bar
I did not do it in the Dark
I did not do it in the Park
I did not do it on a Date
I did not ever Fornicate
I did not do it at a Dance
I did not do it in her Pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Suddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale


BILL CLINTON'S VERSION OF "MY FAVORITE THINGS"

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery,
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(source: Taki's column in the Mar. 20, 1998, UK "Spectator")


Sing the song below to the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease".

Bill:
"Summer intern, had me a blast"

Monica:
"White House intern, happened so fast"

Bill:
"Met a girl, crazy for me"

Monica:
"Met the prez, down on my knees"

Bill:
"Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, but those summer nights"

Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"

Linda Trip:
"try to remember your best"

Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more, tell us more"

Kenneth Star:
"Did he come on your dress?"

Bill:
"Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"

Monica:
"The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp"

Bill:
"She gave me head, right in the White House"

Monica:
"I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:

Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"

Linda Trip:
"he sounds like a swell guy"

Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more, tell us more"

Kenneth Star:
"Did he tell you to lie?"

Bill:
"Press found out, it turned into a mess"

Monica:
"He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"

Bill:
"She promised to lie, she made a vow"

Monica:
"Wonder who is servicing him now"

Bill & Monica:
"Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
But... oh
Those Whiii-ii--iiite Hooouuuuse
Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-yiiights"


The Washington Hillbillies
(Sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies melody)

Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill;
Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still;
Den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.

Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing,"
"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."

Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation.

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."

Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff.

So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.

Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's.
Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score,
'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;
Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.

Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear.

So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president,
Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent;
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,

And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary.


There was a survey in the US where 600 women were asked if they would sleep with Bill Clinton.
82% replied never again.


Clinton might be using drugs. I recently heard he was suffering from a bum Tripp.


Clinton's big mistake is that he didn't have Teddy Kennedy drive her home.


Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon:   Watergate.
Clinton:  Waterbed.

Nixon:   His biggest fear - the Cold War.
Clinton:  His biggest fear - a Cold Sore.

Nixon:  Worried about carpet bombs.
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns.

Nixon:   His Vice President was a Greek.
Clinton:  His Vice President is a geek.

Nixon:   Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton:  Couldn't stop kissing her.

Nixon:   Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape.
Clinton:  Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case.

Nixon:   His nickname was Tricky Dick.
Clinton:  Same.

Nixon:   Ex-President.
Clinton:  Sex-President.

Nixon:   Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One."
Clinton:  Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"

Nixon:   Famous for his widow's peak.
Clinton:  Famous for bringing widows to their peak.

Nixon:    Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy.
Clinton:  Well acquainted with the G Spot.

Nixon:   Took on Ho Chi Minh.
Clinton:  Took on Ho.

Nixon:     Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton:  Talked about getting a piece while on her


Clinton versus the Titanic

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton and turn in book reports on each of them.

One sharp-witted student turned in the following, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories and hence only one book report was required!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton : $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica..ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary... Basically, the same thing.


White House Pillow Talk

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.  Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up.  "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill stays sleeping.  Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."


POSSIBLE TITLES FOR LEWINSKI'S NEW BOOK

I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth
How To Get Ahead in Business


A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl.  They go back to her room and start to discuss prices. She says "It's $100 for a blow job, $200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica." "What's a Monica?" he asks. "That's where I blow you now and screw you later."


Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her : "Prepare yourself  for widowhood...your husband is about to die a violent death."
Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies : "Will I be acquitted?"


Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and The Republican Party have in common?
A: They both bend over for Big Tobacco.


Q : What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A : A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!


Q: Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?
A: It's the spread eagle


Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.


Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
A: One had his head blown off in the back of a car, the other was assasinated.


Q: What did the Pope say to Clinton?
A: Thou shalt not use thy rod on thy staff!


Q: How are Monica and a computer alike to Bill?
A: He didn't know how much he appreciated them until they went down on him.


Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented. 


Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.


Q. Do you know what Ted Kennedy has that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A. A dead girlfriend.


Q: How does Bill keep Monica away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.


Q: What do Monica L. and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.


Q: Saddam's advice for President Clinton after news of the sex scandal?
A: "Camels won't talk."


Q: Why are Nixon and Clinton alike?
A: They were both brought down by Deepthroat.


Q: What's Bill Clinton's definition of Safe Sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.


Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.


Q: By the way, have you heard about the new White House party game?
A: Its called swallow the leader.


Q: What game did Monica Lewinsky play with Bill Clinton?
A: Swallow the leader.


Q: Why is Bill Clinton so interested in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.


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This photo was taken at a German carnival in Cologne, Germany.


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Last modified: November 21, 2011

Email: Joe Huffman
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