Sick Humor

Bill and Monica have their own page.

Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

You know it's going to be a bad day when the SWAT team and armored cars show up at your office -- before you even have the hostages secured.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

When you’re having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle

"Bother" said Pooh, as he strafed the life rafts.

Ward Dorrity:
What's the bag limit on crypto-fascist socialists?
They're always in season, right?

Beautiful young woman -- Name withheld by request:
Kill'em All and then we can go for ice cream.......Any questions?

April 9, 1998

Earth First!
We'll log the other planets later…

-Tee shirt-
Seen in Lewiston Idaho not far from where Earth First Activists were on trial for their activities related to trying to stop logging in the Mallard-Cove area.

All Stressed Out?

Sometimes it helps to think of happy scenes -- maybe a pastoral field, a field with a babbling brook. You're there on a lovely summer's day...holding someone's head under the water. Now you're letting them up for a second, then BLAM! Back into the freezing water! Over and over again!

There, feel better?

There is something about invading a person's cranial vault that takes the fight out of them.

-Greg Hamilton-
Self Defense Instructor
Oct 26, 1996

Think of the handgun as a behavior modifier. If someone is threatening you, you can use the handgun to modify their behavior...

This is the universal hand signal for GO AWAY! (Holds handgun in firing position.)

Ninety times out of a hundred it will work. If not, then you may have to give them the universal hand signal for LIE DOWN! (Holds handgun in firing position and repeatedly pulls trigger.)

-Greg Hamilton-
Self Defense Instructor
Nov. 19, 1995

Happiness is being near the top of the food chain.

Back of a Tee shirt worn by Greg Hamilton
Self Defense and Firearms Instructor
September 15, 1997

It has long been said that if trouble is expected, arm yourself with something other than a handgun. The advantages of the handgun are that it is portable, concealable and convenient. For serious social encounters long guns are the tool of choice.

-Rob Garrett-
From "Gunsite Hits The Road" in the September 1996 issue of Combat Handguns

Once you have pulled the pin from Mr. Grenade, he is no longer your friend.

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.

-- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

Assassins Inc. - We aim to please.

God is my co-pilot, but the devil's my bombardier.

YOU! Out of the gene pool!

Vegetarians eat vegetables - I'm a humanitarian.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.

Anything which does not kill me had better do enough damage to keep me from firing back!

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The Ultimate Feminine Protection -- 9mm on light days, 44 Magnum on heavy days.

Keep honking while I reload.

-Bumper Snicker-

WARNING! Trespassers will be shot! Survivors will be prosecuted.


(It eats everything I shoot.)

I don't dial 911. I dial .357!

Notice!  Anyone found here at night will be found here in the morning.

Is there life after death? Trespass here and find out.

The only reason some people are alive is because it is against the law to kill them.

    -Tee Shirt-

There is no problem which cannot be solved with the proper application of high explosives.

Who were the Beta Testers for Preparations A-G?

The way to a man's heart is between the fourth and fifth ribs.

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

-Roseanne (after she divorced Tom Arnold)-

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.

Grow your own dope. Plant a politician.

Is it too late to get the Russians to nuke Washington?

Balance the Budget. Declare politicians as game and sell Hunting Stamps.

Keep the books - BURN the censors

At any time, at any place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day.

(Unmentioned corollary: If you run, you will just die tired.)

Made in America by lazy illiterate American workers - Tested in Japan [atomic energy]

-Bumper Snicker-

Never try keeping up with the Jones's.
Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.

- Quentin Crisp -

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

I love to give home-made gifts...

Which one of the kids would you like?

The secret to rocking a baby to sleep is in finding the right sized rock

-Joe Huffman-

One should never bit the hand that feeds you... unless you have decided that the owner of the hand is to be your dinner.

-Joe Huffman-
September 5, 1996

Person A, "If I were mad enough at someone to kill them I wouldn't use a gun. They might wink out on me before I wanted them to. I would want them to know who it was and I would want them to feel the pain."

Person B, "If I were to kill someone, I wouldn't use a gun either. I would use a propane torch and a wire brush."

-Names withheld by request-

Least questioned excuse for missing work: "The voices in my head told me it was a good day to stay home and clean my guns."

Four out of five of the voices in my head tell me that people who carry guns are cool.

-Tee Shirt-

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

-W. C. Fields-

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

-W. C. Fields-

If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.

-W. C. Fields-

Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.

-Robert Heinlein-

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

-Alfred Hitchcock-

Murphy's Military Law #6
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their heads in the sand?
A: To look for stamped-out ducks.

You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.

If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?

Barney, we'd like you to meet this week's special guest, Mr. Velociraptor!

I love dogs. Want to trade recipes?

Q: Do you know how do make a cat go "woof"?
A: Pour gasoline on it then throw a match.

(Thanks to DeVerne Jones)

Q: Do you know how do make a dog go "meow"?
A: Put in the freezer for a week then cut it with a bandsaw.

(Thanks to DeVerne Jones)

PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals).

There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.

There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.

Have you heard about the Oriental cook book?
It's called 101 ways to wok your dog.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He's all right.

Castrate extremists!

-Seattle Graffiti-

Did you hear about the guy who married a horse because he wanted a stable relationship?

The meek shall inherit the earth - in small plots, six foot by three.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.

Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.

Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.

Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
... Seats 500.

An infallible way of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

-Dr. Konrad Adenauer-

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy ...

-Ambrose Bierce-
"The Devil's Dictionary"

Last modified: March 09, 2001

Email: Joe Huffman
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