Mr Bill's Dark Nights
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At the sixth gate
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Transformation
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Mr Bill's Dark Nights
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Started: August 19, 2007, Last updated: March 13, 2008 There are times of loss in my life. During normal times, our rationality, our emotions are engaged in simply living. When the dark night comes, rationality and toughness of spirit help but do not suffice, we ride the whirlwind and change happens in the very structure of our souls. This is a passover, the belly of the whale, the walkabout, death and rebirth, transformation. The dark night of transformation can begin with: the loss of a love, loss of a job, loss of friends, loss of health, loss of a child, loss of independence, the loss of being in limbo, or simply the loss of self as one grows old. by William "Mr Bill" Shannon - Started 09:36 am mst, November 05, 2007, Monday My little brother Philip was born on April 25, 1961 and died at 2:42 pm on Saturday, October 20, 2007. He was 46 years old. Its hard to say anything at the moment. I'm personally stunned and It affects us all. Phil was a constant presence, a brother, a family, whose existence was an anchor of my personal reality. The grief no longer overwhelms, but it spills out at unexpected moments. Just this last Sunday morning as I sang in the choir, my tears fell just from a thought brought on by the song I was singing. A deep sadness overshadows every activity. We all found some small comfort the week after his death when we were all weeping because we were sharing our grief. It deepened the love between the survivors who loved him. Phil's daughter in laws parents let us stay in their nearby empty home while we tried to sort out the week following Phil's death. Early in the week my sister woke crying in the darkness. The next morning she woke me and we sat on the back porch and counted over 35 shooting stars in the hour before the sun began to fade the sky. We had a viewing of the body Wednesday, October 24 2007 and that was fiercely hard to bear. Even harder to bear was the grief of his wife Bonita. It broke my heart, again and again. Phil's co-workers raised close to $30,000 to give Bonita by donating their vacation pay. I did not count but it seemed like a couple hundred of his co-workers and friends came to St George, Utah and spoke at his funeral Thursday, October 25, 2007 and at the wake we threw for him afterwards. I had no idea he was so deeply loved by so many people. After an opening prayer I cried openly as I described my joy in having found out over the previous few days just how very much Philip was loved by his friends and co-workers. They were so happy to meet Phils mother and his siblings, having heard so many stories. Mom was treated like royalty. They showed us his work place festooned with photos, notes, and memorabilia. They showed us to a meeting room where they had kept the last presentation Philip had made; he had filled up two long boards with data to detail how to solve a maintenence problem. They say he is irreplaceable, but now they have to try. At the funeral, many of them stood up to speak and choked up or began to cry as they described working with him. Apparently he had a wonderful mind for the minutia of aircraft maintenance. He solved problems that others had been unable to solve. He was famous among his friends and co-workers for his constant curiosity. The Brazilia jet manufacturing facilities called him "the man who asks questions'. He was legendary for lengthly and detailed memorandums and the thoroughness of his work. I infer from the affection of his friends and co-workers, that despite his obvious talents, he was humble and very much a team player. I admire that very much. He was known for the genuine affection he had for his co workers and for a constant stream of practical jokes he perpetrated on them and had done to him. He went from his beloved family at home to one that loved him at work. What a great way to live. Skywest is right now working on keeping Phil on their payroll so that his wife will be taken care of till things settle down. Now how often do you see a company willing to keep a dead man on the payroll? Its just amazing, I'm so touched by the love they had for my brother as evident in their generosity. Skywest paid to transport him here to his home town for burial. We buried Philip in the Orchard Mesa Cemetery, Saturday October 27, 2007. A Skywest pilot on manuvers, flew a CRJ200 passenger jet just above tree level down the river valley right next to his grave at 2 pm just as the burial service began. What an honor for a pilot and lover of aircraft. Oh great, now I'm crying again. Now we have scattered home. Its partially the demands of making a living; its also that grief had become a deep sorrow within us. Its less immediate although no less important. Our own personal distance has reasserted itself, the windows of our souls are shuttered now and we all begin to wrestle alone with what this loss means to each of us and what it means for the rest of our existence. For myself, it triggers a reevaluation of my life. Phil's death reactivates the deep faults that have already broken in my own heart. We all have personal momentum but these things set in motion deep changes that only become evident over time. It is a slow motion event like a landslide, but unstoppable. Just as well, unstoppable, it takes a great deal of energy to change the trajectory of a soul. We hope that grief will pass and we will survive and still be able to love again. Its hard to see that from this current moment. But I see the gradual movement toward survival in our relationships. Death is an impossibly strong boundary but I believe in a love that overcomes death. I will see my brother again. I wrote a poem from the viewpoint of the lover left behind, this Saturday, upon awakening from sleep. I don't mean to be too harsh using the word pretend. But all of us, even in grief, can only pretend to know how deep a love had been or pretend to know how deep is the loss. I see it as wildly deep, an abyss. The sparrow has fallen in the abyss I stoop to fly after become lost in darkness and light even the stars grow deeper burning down the sky until the sun rises in sorrow and pity mourners pretend to love me while I, pretend to care I touch the last place you touched even where your body lay I find an old shirt to inhale the breath of you you are gone and not a word of goodbye on a high place I speak to you where I can stare into the ocean of stars draped across the hills filling the valley the canyons of air the looming thunder hear my sorrow and lie silent From this moment, alone I cannot know you would be here holding me murmuring comfort if only you could come the familiar places are awful reminders you are gone ahead without me I must stay behind gather my courage step boldly into a world meaningless without you I carry you in my heart unbearable suffering becomes infinitely tender I love what we loved Copyright William M. Shannon Saturday, 11/03/07 15:03 pm by William "Mr Bill" Shannon - Started 11:35 am mst, September 15, 2007, Saturday Thats one of my favorite quotes, attributed to Albert Einstein. I have a coffee cup with a man balancing on a tight wire. With the aid of an enormous pencil, he is both balancing on the wire and drawing it beneath his feet. I say this because many spiritual and intellectual advances which have become accepted as truth, began in the imagination of individuals. Look at some of these men who created new things by using imagination to recreate the knowlege they had acquired into something completely new. George Cantor Theory of Transfinite Numbers Kurt Godel Godel's Proof Cornelius Lanczos Applied Analysis Richard Feynman QED: The Strange Theory of Light and Matter C.S. Lewis The Discarded Image Owen Barfield Poetic Diction by William "Mr Bill" Shannon - Started: 22:04 pm mst, September 13, 2007, Thursday I was reading Dark Nights of the Soul and he is touching on the word liminal, the threshold. I just love a powerful descriptive word that invokes myth and imagry. Subliminal, superliminal are more interesting words if you realize the root is a threshold. I keep thinking of one of Zelazny's novels where Corwin has to deal with a lurker on the threshold. He forces a dimensional door that has been sealed and there waiting for just such an eventuality is the lurker. Naturally, they play the riddle game, a mythical ritual for rite of passage across a threshold. There is also the idea about how we arrange our internal landscape and greatly resist any attempt to move the boundaries. That reminds me of Zelazny's 'Keep of the Four Worlds' where four worlds intersect. One is volcanic fire, another ice, then desert and water. The boundaries keep the energy of conflicting worlds properly channeled so the wizard of the keep can utilize it to work magic. We use boundaries to keep our internal energy flows aligned so we can remain open to others and have the maximum energy to give in a relationship. According to the books boundaries suddenly happen when conflicts are not delt with or properly resolved. So, I guess the idea is to have as few boundaries as possible to maintain serenity but to be ready to deal with the boundary conflict that will arise if someone moves a boundary marker. Just for fun I bought a Tarot deck and here is my first reading below... Juliet Sharman-Burke Beginners guide to Tarot - Sharman-Caselli deck Started: August 04, 2007 Cool, my first reading, I shuffled and then spread the suit face down and choose either 5 or 7 cards. Then I arranged them still face down into the reading order. Finally I turned them over and this is what I found. Five cards from Cups - Feelings and Emotions: Present Position - Two of Cups - Friendship Present Expectations - Eight of Cups - Death and Rebirth What is Unexpected - Six of Cups - Past Memories Future Dreams Immediate Future - Five of Cups - Regret and Sorrow Long Term Future - Knight of Cups - The Lover Next, I did a seven card star reading from the Major Arcanea Root of the Matter - Strength - Inner Courage and Strength Emotions and Relationships - The World - Achievement, Success and Completion Intellect and Career - The Devil - Power and Energy Imprisoned Heart of the Matter - The Chariot - Struggle and Tension Unconscious Influence - The Moon - Fluctuation and Confusion Conscious Influence and Desires - The Lovers - Love and Choice Top of the Matter - The Hanged Man - Sacrifice Five cards from Wands - Imagination and Creativity Present Position - King of Wands - Charismatic Leader Present Expectations - Page of Wands - A Messenger Brings Creative Ideas What is Unexpected - Two of Wands - Work is Under Way Immediate Future - Six of Wands - Public Aclaim and Success Long Term Future - Nine of Wands - Inner Strength Five cards from Swords - Life Challenges Present Position - Three of Swords - Sorrow and Pain Present Expectations - Nine of Swords - Unfounded Fear and Nightmare What is Unexpected - Four of Swords - Recuperation and Recovery Immediate Future - Ace of Swords - The Old Order Changes Long Term Future - Two of Swords - Tension and Anxiety Five cards from Pentacles - Money and Potential Present Position - Four of Pentacles - Holding On Too Tightly Present Expectations - Two of Pentacles - Change and Versitility What is Unexpected - Ace of Pentacles - A Gift or Financial Opportunity Immediate Future - Queen of Pentacles - Love of Luxury Long Term Future - Eight of Pentacles - Learning New Skills Well that has turned out rather interestingly. |
by William "Mr Bill" Shannon - Feburary 28, 2008 They may remember you lived but I remember you. I know the thoughts showing in your skin your gestures, poise frozen in a photograph as though it were in your eyes. It is all I have left of you. We who loved you are all anyone else can have of you. When we too are gone there are only words and photographs lively and lived and loved now gathered into memory then lost till the final Trump. If it sounds, shall joy rise up? if we sleep forever does it matter? I loved you as a mortal in mortal flesh caught in time. Even if I rise on the last day we cannot go back to then when we were children playing at being men our mortality one long span of seasons playing hide and seek in the long evenings on the shores of an endless day Copyright William M. Shannon Febuary 28, 2008 22:54pm by William "Mr Bill" Shannon - January 09, 2008 I strike the bowl I remember you I strike the ting shags I remember exuberant love I strike the bowl I remember twined lives I strike the ting shags I remember laughter I strike the bowl I remember absence I strike the ting shags I return to myself I strike the bowl I let it ring, into silence Copyright William M. Shannon 01/09/08 00:04 am by William "Mr Bill" Shannon - December 08, 2007 To be free, love every part, what you create, for yourself, the song, of yourself, the things, you hold, surround, offer aspect, raise attribute, enfold, power, in might, shake silver from foil, grasp meaning, hands lifted, step stately, now gaily, dance slowly, kiss gently, eyes, tongue, navel, soul, comfort fallen, uplift, lifted high, spirit birds, flutter fingers, gesture, sighs, embrace, hold forever, a moment, swim deep, caress, lovely arms, drawn down, legs akimbo, have we met? flowers, branches, lightly twined, burn, meaning, arrangements, stone on stone, grottos, high places, come Holy One, dwell here, my temple, this garden, heart of my being, this love, my life, beloved, come, partake, indwelling, spiritual, transformation, friend, companion, all I possess, purpose, present, you are, I am. Copyright William M. Shannon 12/08/07 04:24 am Here is a poem that starts back in high school. A girl I still think of, asked me to dance. by William "Mr Bill" Shannon - November 29, 2007 The first time I trusted I was blind and you could see we danced in joy caught up in eachother something to hard to ask easy for another to give words, worlds of meaning to give gifts, forgive injury is what we can do there's so little time a dance ends another hand reaches give yourself away revel that you danced at all the last time is just the last of many goodbyes the curtain hides you then I open my eyes Copyright William M. Shannon 11/29/07 22:05 pm August 19, 2007 Here are some source books that can help occupy the mind while the dark night overshadows sleep. I have a self-help selection of books in my Kenning, Thomas Moore Dark Nights of the Soul - A Guide for Finding Your Way Through Life's Ordeals August 19, 2007 - January 14, 2008 I've finished this book. I like the concept of this book that at the moment of greatest loss is the best opportunity for personal growth. This guy coherently weaves mythology, historical figures, and psychological facts to show that many people grow the most during the times of darkness in their lives. |